My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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