I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
