After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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