He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Found the puke drawer
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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