i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
