Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize