good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize