Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
