dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
