I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
