just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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