He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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