I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
