Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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