: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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