All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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