I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize