when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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