I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
