I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
