The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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