Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
