Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
