Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
