There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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