I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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