My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You can't special order awesome
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
