The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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