No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
