M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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