Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
