i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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