Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
