so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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