We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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