I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
