The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
