paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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