We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
