Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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