i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
