i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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