Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
