I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
