Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I need a beard to bite.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
