the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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