he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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