My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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