She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize