kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
