I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
