My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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