After last night, I could never be a politician.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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