Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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