Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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