Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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